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Blind Item (21/05/2016)

We here at The Gossip Life obtained the script to an anticipated flick. We’re not posting it because we’re not as hazardous as Gawker, but we can tell you about it. First, fans of the video game on which the movie is based will not be happy. Second, it’s jam-packed and stuffed with shit, like Batman vs Robin, or The Amazing Spider-Man 2 levels of stuffed with shit. Third, it’s quite convoluted at parts and sort of inaccessible for non-game fans. Although it’s dumbed down, beat-you-over-the-head at other parts too.

What is it?

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16 Comments »

  1. #1 suspect is Warcraft. It looks like a convoluted CGI disaster. The casting is excellent, particularly Travis Fimmel, and the director has some good indie flicks under his belt (mostly Moon), but the part in the blind about being inaccessible for non-fans really sets off some alarm bells. Warcraft is a classic in the genre of nonsensical storylines with mix-and-match inspirations (aka ripoffs) from other works, and the plot and setting have been retconned again and again so many times over the years that even I can’t keep track – and I’m obsessed with it. If the filmmakers are trying to make a 3 hour movie with a “true to the game” story, it won’t make any sense and everyone will hate it. If they throw out 90% of the garbage and stick with a simpler narrative it could be watchable.

    #2 suspect is Assassin’s Creed. The people involved are SHOCKINGLY inept. This is one of those classic stories of Hollywood incompetence and inefficiency. The brain trust responsible have such notches on their bedpost as Transporter: Refueled and the recent terrible MacBeth and Book of Exodus adaptations. I am certain this will be a living nightmare, but I rank it lower than Warcraft on the suspect list only because I can’t imagine how they could fuck up such a simple story. It’s about a time-traveling assassin. There should be nothing inaccessible about this movie. I suppose they could try and cram six or seven games into one script, but that doesn’t sound like Hollywood tactics to me. I’d expect them to try and pump out product after product, matching movie titles to game titles for recognition.

    There are other upcoming game-movie tieins that will almost certainly be terrible, but I doubt this blind is about Angry Birds, and I don’t think Last of Us has a script yet. Random aside: they have to hurry the fuck up on Last of Us before Maisie Williams ages out of the role, if she hasn’t already.

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    • Good answer and I second that it’s Warcraft, but Quasimodo Williams won’t be in the Last of Us movie. Too old.

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    • I don’t think Assassin’s Creed is as simple a story as you think. It involves secret societies, modern technology, ancient technology, & concepts about God, Adam & Eve, etc. That’s based off the games, in the movie who knows what they’re going with. It’s not really a time travel assassin either. It’s someone from today that gets hooked up to a machine that takes them to a virtual reality to relive the past of his ancestors, but he’s not really time traveling. It’s like a virtual reality video game that he’s playing.

      The story of Assassin’s Creed is pretty convoluted on its own, so I would imagine it’s going to be convoluted in movie form too. I’m not sure if it’s good or bad that Michael Fassbender said he didn’t even know Assassin’s Creed is based off of a video game. Not a good sign when the producer & star doesn’t even know what the hell he got himself into.

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    • Damn, those are two great guesses!

      I’m gonna go with Assassin’s Creed because that trailer couldn’t be messier. Meanwhile, the trailer for Warcraft has a semblance of a plot (in an ultra-simplified Us. vs. Them way).

      Regardless, I can’t help but have close to 0 expectations that either movie will be good. #Imnotusuallysuchapessimist

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      • I’ve written off Assassin’s Creed completely and will enjoy watching the bad reviews come in. With Warcraft, though, I’m still holding out an inkling of hope that I’m wrong and the movie has come together around a halfway decent script. It’s not looking good. Small-time, talented indie directors get bullied by big-money studios into slavishly adapting the terrible scripts for which they always overpay. I think this film falls entirely in that category. I can hope it doesn’t…

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      • @Dennis A fun fact about World of Warcraft, the director is David Bowie’s son. He might have been able to push back against the studio a little more than the average indie director because he isn’t as desperate for work as other indie directors might be.

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    • Ooof, good choice. The screenwriters are just as inept as the idiots who snagged Assassin’s Creed. They’ve also written the screenplay for Doctor Strange, which is depressing, because I was really looking forward to that one.

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      • Thanks Plupicarde! I know they originally talked about Nathan Fillion for it, but his back is shot, so they would have to go with someone else if they ever do it. This might be one of those movies that finally gets made 10 years from now, long after most people care about it.

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      • I remember that David O Russell and Mark Walhberg wanted to do it together after The Fighter then DOR dropped after a meltdown with Walhberg

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